Redirecting Frustrations From Colonialism To Decolonize
Currently in my day job, I am an agent of the colonial "status quo" in modern society. I perpetuate middle class colonial attitudes and mindsets, rewarding or punishing those who are able to assimilate or not, respectively. Recently, I brought forward a proposal to develop an anti-racism policy and a diversity, equity, and inclusion department in my organization to my superior. However, I was met with a soft no, because even though the matter is very important indeed, there are no time or resources to be redirected towards such a project. It was disappointing, but I do understand. Perhaps this understanding is a sign that I have become colonized too and have normalized and internalized the thoughts based on colonialism.
As I have mentioned previously, I am growing more aware of the gap between the work I am currently doing and the work I wish to be doing in life. I have yet to quit my day job however, and feeling stuck is creating frustrations and stress. I am sick right now, as my body fights for survival in such stressful times. This is the fourth or fifth time that I have gotten sick this year, including covid. Regardless, I am beginning to redirect my frustrations and negative energy toward more positive efforts that help me feel that improvements are being made. Applying for other jobs is one way of using the pent up trapped energy. Doing a Master's degree was another way. But now that I have finished the degree, I am back to being unhappy at my day job. Should I do a doctorate? It would just be another distraction from the root cause of my unhappiness and dissatisfaction in life. Nowadays, I end up binge watching hours of online videos after dinner. Going for walks and exercising was helpful, but now that I am sick, those beneficial habits have paused. I will return to physical activity in a few days, when I hope to have shaken this nasty cold away. Don't worry, I have tested, and it is not covid. So applying for different jobs is helping me feel marginally better about my colonized life. But a new revelation was made today at work when I decided to show my grumpy inner self to others.
Perhaps it is fitting that the colonized institution that I work in caters to the unhappy and the grumpy. For so long, I have forced myself to be a happy, go-lucky kind of worker, always smiling with a cheery voice and attitude. But this has perhaps allowed others to take advantage of me and underestimate my value. When I became vocal about my unhappiness and firmly communicating my boundaries, people began to take me seriously. My day at work was much easier than normal because of this change. So in order to succeed at my day job, do I need to be serious and grumpy? This is not who I truly want to be. Maybe this is yet another warning sign that I need to change my job. But in the meantime, I will use this newfound superpower to be grumpy at work and see how far it takes me.